SOCCER MOM CONSPIRACY



I don't know if you have noticed the latest infestation of overly obsessed suburbanite woman plagueing our country lately. This has troubled many of our poweranimals as of late. So one of our bravest has taken the task to study and report back the findings of these fierce species and these are the characteristics that they have found. We hope that these prove useful so that you can protect you and your loved ones.

CHARACTERISTICS OF SOCCER MOMS

1. They never carry cash or credit cards. This would be too easy for the rest of us. They have to use hand written checks in which they only use when they have everything, which consists of things they don't actually need but because it was on sale they buy every last quantity up so someone who really needs can't have it, is rung up. that way they can hold the line up with slowly writing everything up and finding their coupons and coupons for coupons.

2. The official car of the soccer moms is the Aerostar. There are a few variations like the mountaineer, and any other minivan. Be careful of the ones that drive tan Aerostars, these are the high ups and will stop at nothing to destroy you. Most carry the soccer sticker in their back window. But many are in disguise and omit the sticker.

3. They are very easy to recognise on the street. They all have hair that is no longer than their shoulders. That would require creativity on their part which they don't have. Pleated trousers in which have to be hiked up like a middle aged man ready for a golf outing. Most will wear buttoned up shirts but you can't be to sure with that.

4.You will be able to tell a soccer child apart from others because they're the ones who get their way no matter what. Because their mothers don't believe in discipline only "time out". They also don't believe in depriving their little brats.

5. They live in new manufactured homes with no or little trees. If you happen to be invited over one their homes be careful. You will be greeted by the smell of potpourri which is incredibly evident. This helps disguise the strong odor of drugs that help assimulate any innocent bystander. If you happen to walk into the kitchen notice the message board made of cork on the side of the fridge. They all have them. This is where they proudly display their kids pictures of them holding soccer balls on one knee and little girls in ballerina outfits in the form of wallet size. This is also where they keep their itinerary to run their family's lives in one controlling sweep. Their living rooms are infested with candles from all their friends candle parties. Look in the fireplace, there if where you'll find the rest of them. The coffee table is covered by a doile in which there are martha stewart magazines (this is their god) neatly placed. The television is only turned on to either hgtv. trading spaces, changing rooms, any show that similar to such. antique road show, oprah (she is the subcommander and book club keeper)      



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